Welch Whirl

"Too-Teen" -- A Typical Wiley Story

We spent part of our Conference weekend with my family and part with Ben's family up at the cabin. Wasn't it fabulous? At one point Wiley looked up at me and asked why I was crying. First off, I always cry -- I can't help it. Second off, I was hearing something that rang true to me. Conference for me is like having a little one-on-one evaluation of your own spiritual progress and relationship with Heavenly Father. I loved it and promise to be better at just about everything.

After the Sunday afternoon session, Ben's parents had planned a nice dinner for a long-time friend and guest from England. We had a talk with Wiley and Rosie about behavior at the dinner table, you know that one . . . use your napkin, don't dominate the conversation, take turns being the listener, no rude manners, etc. We've had it dozens of times, and I'm sure we'll have it dozens of times again. But here is what happened. We sat down for dinner, said grace, and Wiley (who'd been warned not to utter a single word unless it was to Ben or myself, and who had been positioned at the table furthest from the guests) immediately piped up.

Wiley: "Bob, where are you from?"
Bob: "I'm from a far away place that is green and beautiful, with wonderful blue skies."
Slight hesitation from Wiley -- he's thinking.
Wiley: "You're from Switzerland?"
Laughs all around, I think the laughing just put fuel on his little fire.
Wiley: "Hey Bob, did you know you sound just like Harry Potter?"
Bob: "Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment."
Hysterical laughter now. Wiley figures it's time to risk one of his infamous jokes.
Wiley: "Hey Bob, why did the chicken climb the building?"
He asked this as if he were just getting started on his comedy act for the evening.
Bob politely answered -- I don't remember what he said, I was too busy begging silently for the meal to already be over. Wiley just has a huge grin on his face, he must think he is so charming ...
Wiley smiled triumphantly: "So he could meet Spider man." He made this joke up himself.
Less laughter now. Wiley can sense he's losing the audience now, so he goes back to ribbing the guest with insults.
Wiley: "Bob, do they play golf in England?"
This got a large laugh because the Welch boys are serious golfers.
Bob just hung his head with that look of "did you prompt him to ask all of these questions" look.
We all know that the U.S. beat England in the recent Ryder Cup Championship. It was just hilarious that a six-year-old boy would ask such pointed questions.

Wiley did ask a few more questions and even Rosie started in on a "chicken" joke. And then the really bad stuff happened. Let's just say that when the verbal jokes didn't pan out, Wiley started on the "physical humor" -- you know the kind I mean. He farted. Loudly -- magnified by the solid wooden bench he was sitting on, which, as we all know, happens to be the best acoustical instrument for such noises. It also happened to come during a lull in the conversation.

Dead silence.

Wiley was dismissed. When we got home, I got this unsolicited letter from Wiley just before going to bed.






For those of you who don't read six-year-old writing, here is the interpretation.

Dear Mom,
I'm sorry for tooting at the dinner table.
I love you.

From,
Wiley Welch

When we arrived home after many complaints from Wiley saying he was hungry, I consented to bread and water. (I'm so mean, but not that mean, Grandma offered them peach cobbler after their brief sojourn in "time-out" in the hallway, and I didn't protest.) I think Wiley was so grateful to me for allowing him a piece of bread that he wrote me this note.

Kids are the best aren't they?